Gameweek 38: The Final Day

And so, after 37 long, hard gameweeks and one of the most turbulent seasons in FPL history, we reach the point where dreams are made and FPL Nightmares become reality. Welcome to the Final Day.
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14:15
So here we are. Nine years after starting my FPL career, three years after accepting King Ding’s challenge to only retire if I do so as League of Gentlemen champion, and after 37 gameweeks of committing to a complete change of strategy and investing ridiculous amounts of hours into the game, the Final Day is here. At the start of the season, I hoped to enter today still in the running, with some hope of perhaps pulling off something I believed impossible. I have more than hope. The weight of expectation is upon me, as all my plotting and planning, all my misfortunes and my lucky breaks, all of my mistakes and moments of ingenuity have combined to give me a ninety-nine point lead over Jockin’ Jeeves, the only man who can prevent my FPL Nightmare from ending. It’s a position I feel very privileged to be in, and one I know has only been possible because of the Gentlemen around me raising their own games and driving me to new levels. I declared nine months ago that this would be the final season of the FPL Nightmare; win or lose, this would be my last chance to complete the King’s Quest. Now, in less than four hours, we will all find out if the trilogy ends with a fairytale finish.

With the usual worries about the Official FPL site crashing, I have made my transfer moves early. He may not be the optimal signing, with Toney looking enticing against Leeds and Maddison in top form, but I said to myself at the start of the season that, if he’s fit, he will be in my team. I also said in the epilogue of The FPL Nightmare II: The Crying, the Hits and the VAR Probe that I would only allow myself transfer hits in double gameweeks and in the event of not having a team, so I have only made the one signing. That man is Callum Wilson, the Geordie Goal Grabber, who comes in for Richarlison. The big selection dilemma was starting Nketiah or Zaha, and I have opted for Nketiah. I would not be surprised, however, if Zaha was to come off my bench. I considered taking a hit to switch Zaha to Luis Diaz or Maddison, both of whom are bang in form, but with my team sitting 41 places inside the top-10k, I didn’t wish to spend four points to sell someone who could well score, and would mean benching someone else who I am more than happy to play. I managed to carry Barnes through the start of the season when it was blank after blank, and not taking the hit the same as starting with a striker’s goal. I want to take the hit, but I’m sticking with the plan that got me here, so Wilson is the only new signing.

While the League of Gentlemen title is, of course, the ultimate goal, it would be an unreal achievement to finish inside the top-10k, and I really hope I can do it. King Ding’s final overall ranking record of 7,044 in the world is still possible, though I think it is unlikely. You just never know, though. You just never know.
 
14:30
The final transfer deadline of the season has passed. There is nothing more we can do now but wait. We expect the teams to drop around quarter past three, but given that this is the Final Day, there’s every chance we will have to wait a little longer. I know that Jockin’ Jeeves will be playing his Free Hit, but what he does with it, we’ll have to wait and see. If it was me, I’d be lining up something like this:

Ramsdale; Robertson, Matip, Sessegnon; Maddison, Mane ©, Bowen, Barnes; Toney, Kane, Jesus.
 
I’d then fill out the bench with cheap substitutes. Is it the optimal team? No, of course not. There’s no Son, no de Bruyne, no Alexander-Arnold or Cancelo or a host of other players expected to score points. What it is, though, is a team of eleven players completely different to what I can put out. He needs to make up a hundred points; every player he selects that I already own reduces his chances. If it were me, I’d feel like I had to take the chance.

What Jeeves chooses to do, though, is hard to predict. I thought he’d Free Hit last week, he chose to Bench Boost. In 2018/19, he entered the Final Day just under 30 points (I think) behind King Ding, yet his only transfers were to sign players the King already owned. I think he will go for the title, because it is the final book of the trilogy, and to overcome what is, with the transfer tiebreaker in my favour, a hundred-point deficit would be one of the greatest stories in the history of FPL. However, I know how much finishing inside the top-100k would mean to him. He has never managed to do so before, and he enters the Final Day ranked 74,305 in the world. Whether he has the appetite to risk losing his five-figure finish to chase a title he may well see as lost, I don’t know. He has ignored Jez Messing’s communications for months, so focused is he on achieving his goals, so it is impossible to know his mindset for sure.

Elsewhere in the division, other Gentlemen have set their own goals. Go Cartin looks set to secure the bronze medal, and he will be hoping Jeeves goes ultra-differential to give him the glimmer of hope of stealing the silver. Dan the Dragon, Mighty Mouse, King Ding, Hitman Hodgson and Ginger Ben look set to finish as members of the Elite, and all are jockeying for position to finish as high as possible. Stone Cold Stephen Levins has been on a tear since embarking upon a risky captain strategy around Bonfire night after a disastrous start, and he has risen from the mid-thirties to ninth place. Reaching the Elite may be a step too far, but finishing as the best of the rest would be a great achievement in his debut FPL season. Meanwhile, Flash Funk sits in twentieth place, just inside the top half, and he will have to fend off several sharks circling below him. Daredevil Daisy, the youngest entrant in League of Gentlemen history at just eleven years of age, currently sits in 31st place ahead of several seasoned competitors, and she will be looking for a nice finish to the season. At the bottom of the table, Grinchy Vogt has achieved the notoriety of last place, and has fled the country to avoid having to offer congratulations to whomever the winner turns out to be. He has been a bizarre manager this season, but he was brilliant entertainment in the early part of the campaign, and if his head hadn’t gone after losing 46 points on a captain Vardy punt, he may well have been a contender for glory. Still, he’s had his fun, and that’s what the game is meant to be about.

For me, though, this season hasn’t been about fun. It’s been about giving it everything I have to achieve a challenge that once felt impossible, and finding myself on the verge of glory. It’s been a slog at times, and my preference in recent gameweeks for ensuring I was as strong as possible on the final day of each gameweek has meant the majority of my time has been spent stressing my boys wouldn’t get the points. Yet, at the business end of the season when it matters the most, they have stood up to be counted. One last push, lads. That’s all I ask.

Either way, I know I have given everything I can this year. Whatever happens now, I have no regrets – not even forgetting to save my team and leaving sixteen-point Ronaldo as my last substitute. Even if it ends up costing me the title, I know I have done my best. That, as a great man once told me when I was a lost teenager, is all anybody can ask.
 
15:00
The team news is in, and the most pertinent for my team is that Alonso is not in the Chelsea squad, which means Zaha does come off my bench. Considering I was happy to start him, I’m not too stressed, but I am second-guessing my decision not to take a hit. He has a good record against Manchester United, so let’s hope he keeps that up.

Beyond Alonso, everyone else in my team starts. You can’t ask for more than that, really. Other big-name absentees are Salah and van Dijk for Liverpool, both of whom are benched, as is Lukaku for Chelsea and Ronaldo for Manchester United. Given the form he has been in and with Chelsea’s opponents being Watford, you have to think some people may have brought him in. Richarlison is absent from the Everton squad, while Mykolenko and Gordon are benched. Sterling, Grealish and Zinchenko all start as substitutes, and you have to wonder if anyone chasing points will have gone for them. Schar is benched for Newcastle, who also welcome Kieran Trippier back to the starting XI. While it is unlikely anyone will have him, it does bode well for Wilson that such an exquisite crosser and set-piece taker is in the team. Broja is absent from Southampton’s team, while Ings is benched for Villa. More importantly, though, Gerrard has omitted Martinez from the squad. Given his quality between the posts, the Manchester City attackers will be boosted by his absence.
 
15:20
The official site has processed, and now we can digest the Gentlemen’s choices. First, the teams in the title race:
 
Geord’s Lords (4-4-2): Schmeichel; Cancelo, James, Alexander-Arnold, Laporte; Son ©, de Bruyne, Mount, Zaha; Nketiah, Wilson.
Substitutes: Foster; Pukki, Dewsbury-Hall, Alonso (does not play).
 
The Townhead Gunners (3-5-2): Schmeichel; Chalobah, Matip, Sessegnon; Mount, de Bruyne, Bowen, Maddison, Son ©, Kane, Vardy.
Substitutes: Steele; Krafth, Tsimikas, Richardson.
 
The immediate observation is that Jeeves has gone with Schmeichel, Mount, de Bruyne and he has named Son captain, so those players are of no threat. Chalobah has been named on the bench for Chelsea, and with none of Jeeves’s substitutes starting, there’s a very real risk he may only have ten players on the field. Still, he has enough players there to cause concern. Bowen, Kane, Maddison, Vardy and Sessegnon all have haul potential, while Matip has been pivotal in Jeeves still being in the race over the last few gameweeks. Still, it is a huge ask for those six players to outscore Alexander-Arnold, Cancelo, Laporte, James, Nketiah and Wilson by a hundred points. Mane was the selection I feared most, and he has opted against him, so that’s a relief. It seems he has chosen to prioritise the top-100k finish, and it’s hard to blame him for that, because it would be a great result. Anything could happen on the Final Day, though, and the nerves won’t settle until I get a few returns on the board.

Elsewhere, it has been an FPL Nightmare for Stone Cold Stephen Levins, who sold Mateta for Ronaldo for a hit, then heard about Ronaldo’s hip injury and took a second hit to switch him to Lukaku, only to see the Belgian international benched. Brad the Lad has played his Triple Captain chip on Kane, while Flash Funk has played his Free Hit as he seeks to confirm his top-half finish. Daredevil Daisy sticks with captain Bruno, while she has switched Salah to Bowen. In the Elite, Go Cartin has brought in Wilson, Mighty Mouse and Hitman Hodgson have signed James, while King Ding and the Dragon have both signed Toney, with the Dragon taking a four-point hit to bring in Sessegnon too. Ginger Ben, desperately trying to salvage what has been a great season up until Gameweek 37, has taken a hit to sign Laporte and Raphinha, meaning Red Hot Rob has only 45 points to make up to steal that last Elite slot. To do so, he has signed and captained Mane, a move that should see him do well.

It is the calm before the storm. At 4pm, chaos ensues.
 
16:00
We are under way, and according to the LiveFPL.net Live Rank section, I have risen to 9,273 in the overall rankings just by virtue of not taking a hit. It’s a promising start, but an awful lot can change over the next two hours.

I’ve been nervous ahead of big FPL days before, but I’ve never known anything like this.
 
16:02
There’s always a bit of madness on the Final Day, and this year’s comes from Wolves, who have taken the lead at Anfield through Neto! Clean sheet points wiped out all over the place. The assist goes to Jimenez, who was once a must-have in FPL but has failed to reach his previous levels this season.
 
16:14
Goal for Chelsea, with Havertz scoring from a Kenedy assist. Good news for Ash the Bash, Sirloin Sean and Private Parvesh. Jeeves, meanwhile, is cursing his luck that the goal didn’t come in Gameweek 37. Elsewhere, it’s all very quiet.
 
16:17
Goal for Spurs! But there is no involvement for either Kane, Son or Sessegnon, with Bentacur assisting Kulusevski, which is good news for Go Cartin and Ginger Ben.
 
16:21
Wilson scores! Huge for Leeds, but even bigger for the Lords. However, Gelhardt has had a goal ruled out for Leeds. As it stands, LiveFPL.net has me ranked 8,531 in the world. Still a long, long way to go yet.
 
16:26
Mane has shown why I feared Jeeves signing him, equalising for Liverpool from a Thiago assist. It cuts Ginger Ben’s cushion over the Irrelevants to just thirty points, but his ownership elsewhere in the League of Gentlemen is low.
 
16:29
Martinelli scores for Arsenal, but nobody owns him. It was a penalty, and it’s a relief for my overall ranking that Saka didn’t take it. Only the sixth goal of the day so far. You have to fancy those numbers to pick up in the second half.
 
16:32
Nketiah scores! The Lords are in raptures. Martinelli assist.
 
16:33
It’s a short-lived joy, however, as Kane scores for Spurs, with Bentacur getting his second assist. At least Jeeves didn’t captain him.
 
16:38
Cash scores from a Digne assist, a few days too late for the Gameweek 37 Free Hitters to really benefit. It punishes those with Manchester City defenders, and those who have two, like myself, feel the eternal frustration of the big-at-the-back approach.
 
16:39
But the pain of the two lost clean sheets is tempered by a goal from Zaha! How crucial that could prove in the overall ranking situation. I’m apparently up to 7,241 as it stands. King Ding’s record is within touching distance, but there’s still far too much football to be played to get excited.
 
16:42
Antonio scores for West Ham, with no assist. Several teams in the Irrelevants still have the early-season superstar, including Daredevil Daisy and Flash Funk.
 
16:50
Arsenal’s clean sheet has gone, with Van de Beek scoring from a Calvert-Lewin assist.
 
16:52
That’s half-time in every match, and we haven’t had the goal explosion we expected. Leicester vs Southampton remains scoreless, while only Tottenham and Arsenal have scored more than one goal. Something tells me there’ll be many more goals in the second-half, though. That’s what normally seems to happen.
 
17:07
The second-half has kicked off, and there’s early hope for Jockin’ Jeeves, after Maddison scores from a Vardy assist. He’s 105 points behind as it stands, and you have to think that’ll be too much ground to cover. On the Final Day, though, anything can happen. The other consequence from that goal is I’m down to 8,091 in the overall rankings, making King Ding’s record look ever safer.
 
17:09
Veltman scores for Burnley, from a March assist. With nobody affected in any way from this goal, I’m not even sure why I mentioned it.
 
17:16
Saka assists Cedric for Arsenal, an assist that most likely, given his high ownership, ends any chance of breaking King Ding’s overall ranking record.
 
17:18
Raphinha scores a penalty for Leeds. Massive for Ginger Ben, and massive in the Premier League relegation race. It means Burnley simply must go on the attack. Hopefully Wilson can hit them on the break.
 
17:20
Mohamed Salah is on for Liverpool. This is where the overall ranking comes under serious threat. He replaces Jota, which is disappointing for Flash Funk, who had him captain.
 
17:22
WILSOOOOOOOOON!!! He has a second goal! The Lords fanbase is in raptures. What a day this is turning into. Saint-Maximin assist, which is good for the Masterchef, who brought him in today. Gabriel has also scored for Arsenal, from a Cedric assist.
 
17:24
Kulusevski scores from a Kane assist. This is bad for my overall ranking, really bad. The top-10k could be at risk, never mind my chances of surpassing the King’s record. It’s not possible to know, though, because LiveFPL.net has had the first of its traditional Final Day server crashes.
 
17:26
Kulusevski is replaced by Moura. At least he can’t hurt me anymore. We’re into the last 25 minutes of the season. This is where dreams can be crushed and fantasies become realities. At 105 points clear, it looks like my FPL Nightmare will end today, but you just can’t count your chickens at this stage.
 
17:30
SOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNN! What a huge goal that could prove. From a Moura assist. Meanwhile, Cornet has scored for Burnley, and Coutinho has put Villa 2-0 up against Manchester City!
 
17:32
This is the goal madness we were talking about, but it’s bad news for me, as Vardy scores from a Barnes assist.
 
17:35
SOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNN AGAIN!!! Oh my word. It’s pointless trying to keep track of the overall rankings when the goals are flying in left, right and centre. Just going to focus on the scores. It’s the hope that kills you.
 
17:36
Ward-Prowse scores for Southampton, from an Armstrong assist. Four points lost for Schmeichel.
 
17:37
Ayoze Perez scores for Leicester, from a Maddison assist. Meanwhile, Gundogan has scored from a Sterling assist for Manchester City. This drama is immense, but none of it is helping my top-10k chances. At least Saka has been replaced.
 
17:39
Rodri equalises for Manchester City! What an end to the season he’s having. Good news for Grinchy Vogt, who has him captain. Or it could be bad news, given the Grinch’s mentality. And there has been a goal for Brentford, Canos from a Wissa assist. Leeds and Burnley both need a goal! And Weghorst has just missed an absolute sitter! Gazza versus Germany vibes.
 
17:41
Canos has been sent off! Booked for taking off his shirt, then booked again for a foul. Anything can happen on the Final Day, and once again, we are caught up in the storm.
 
17:42
Odegaard scores from a Pepe assist, and Gundogan has given Manchester City the lead from a de Bruyne assist! And Targett has cleared a Burnley shot off the line!
 
17:45
Watford have scored, taking away James’s clean sheet for me. Rubbing salt into the wound, Salah has scored from a Matip assist. Matip has been a machine during the run-in, and it’s cost me dearly. Surely the top-10k finish is gone now. Whatever happens, it’s been an incredible season.
 
17:48
LiveFPL.net is back up, and as it stands, I’m 8,989 in the world, and 85 points clear at the top of the League of Gentlemen. I wish these final whistles would blow already. Unbelievable tension.
 
17:50
Reece James with the assist! The Chelsea defenders have felt cursed for me this season, with it feeling like I’ve always had them at the wrong time. My word, they’ve come good when it matters most. Even Alonso this week, helpfully missing out so Zaha’s goal could come off my bench. Blow the whistles!
 
17:51
Robertson scores for Liverpool, and no doubt for many, many managers around me. Nightmare. Firmino assist. Meanwhile, Welbeck grabs a goal for the Dragon. What an inspired signing he has proven to be.
 
17:52
Full-time for Chelsea and Spurs. I’m glad I captained Son rather than gambling on Mount. Ayoze Perez has scored again for Leicester, from a Pereira assist. That shouldn’t matter too much in the overall rankings.
 
17:56
Full-time at Leicester, Brighton, Palace and Arsenal, and Leeds have scored through Harrison! They are staying up. Meanwhile, Chris Wood blocks a shot from Cornet.
 
17:57
Full-time at the Etihad and Anfield, and Manchester City are the English champions. The full-time whistle at Brentford confirms Burnley’s relegation. And that is that! The 2021/22 FPL season is over! We will need to wait an hour or so for bonus points to be confirmed and for the rankings to be determined. It’s going to be an anxious wait, though I am 99.99% sure that I have held off Jockin’ Jeeves’s late surge.
 
19:30
Ninety minutes after the final whistle, and it looks as though the final rankings are in. Daredevil Daisy finished in 32nd place after Salah’s goal took Iceman Newton above her at the death, a situation which could have been rectified had Bruno Guimarães not slipped on his bum when through on goal. The highest score of the Final Day came from Slick Rick, who smashed home 95 points to climb three places to 26th. The Ox and the Masterchef tied on 2,099 points, but The Ox takes 21st by virtue of making fewer transfers. Flash Funk not only secured a top-half finish, but also climbed to nineteenth, ahead of Private Parvesh. Deadly Daz drops a place to eighteenth, a decent finish considering he hasn’t managed his team for the last few gameweeks and he has two unused chips. Sirloin Sean and Terminator Tris both climbed a place, to seventeenth and thirteenth respectively. Topping the Irrelevants was Stone Cold Stephen Levins, after Son’s late brace secured ninth place, completing a great debut season in FPL for him after such a poor start.

In the Elite, Ginger Ben restored some pride with an 88-point score, one that saw him move into seventh, just two points behind Mighty Mouse. It was the same problem as recent weeks, however, as his hit to transfer Cash to Laporte cost him a second-successive fifth-place finish. That spot instead went to Hitman Hodgson, while his brother, the Dragon, secured fourth place. Go Cartin put up a spirited fight for the silver medal, and it looked like he had a chance at half-time, but Leicester’s second-half performance put paid to those dreams. Still, the bronze medal is an outstanding achievement, and Go Cartin should be very proud of scoring 2,489 points, though the frustration will come from finishing just outside the top-100k for the third time in four seasons. One man who has ended his personal quest for a top-100k finish is Jockin’ Jeeves, who scored 82 points on the Free Hit and who looks to have finished 61,143 in the world. It’s been a sensational performance from the Rap Rob Roy, who became only the second man in League of Gentlemen history to shatter the 2,500 point glass ceiling, finishing with a final points tally of 2,538 points. The silver medal will feel like a disappointment, but he has had a fantastic season and it should be a mark of pride that he has scored so highly.

However, there can be only one League of Gentlemen champion. I can’t believe I am writing this. I can’t believe all these years of work have led me here. I can’t believe that the shit-or-bust declaration has led to glory. I can’t believe I have smashed the League of Gentlemen overall points record, finishing with 2,628 points, and I can’t believe it appears that I have finished 9,394 in the world, out of 9,167,407 players. I may not have taken King Ding’s overall ranking record, but I have completed the challenge he laid down before me. If I may permit myself a moment of egotism, I have done it in spectacular fashion. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this was possible. I hoped I would have a chance of glory. In the end, I gave nobody else a glimmer of hope. King Ding and Ginger Ben have been telling me since Gameweek 28 that it was over, but I refused to countenance it. Given the crazy points swings of the last four gameweeks, I could not permit myself the thought it was over while there was still a chance for Jockin’ Jeeves. When Wilson scored his first goal, the nerves eased considerably. By the time he scored his second, I wasn’t even thinking about the title; it was all about that top-10k finish.

And so, the story comes to its conclusion, with Geord’s Lords having had the greatest season in the history of the division, but King Ding cemented as the all-time greatest Gentleman ever. For me, that’s about as perfect a finale to this epic saga as I could have imagined, had it all been fiction. But this tale isn’t make-believe; the hours, days, weeks, months and years of effort, stress and frustration that have gone into creating this success have crafted a story far beyond any I could crafted in my head. I’m a touch emotional as I type this, because this silly, god-forsaken game has somehow given me everything I could have hoped for. First, it brought me back to writing; then, it made me an author; finally, it made me a champion.
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The King’s Road has led me to the City of Champions, and it has welcomed me through its gates. The King’s Quest has been completed. My FPL Nightmare, at long last, is over.