The hit addiction of Jockin' Jeeves reached new lows this week, with his twelve-point penalty blamed on his infant son. Can the Townhead Gunner make it to transfer rehab before his title dreams are all shot up?
Fantasy Premier League can be a wonderful game. A competition that brings people together, a test of skills, wits and analysis influenced heavily by happenstance, it lights a fire in all those who end up ensnared in its grasp. Some people use that fire to warm the soul. They build a hot-air balloon around it and soar to great heights, seeing the world from a new vantage point with a greater perspective. Others, like Grinchy Vogt, get too close to the flame, and feel their souls burn to ash as the fire wreaks havoc on their consciences and their seasons. And then there are those who use the flame to heat the spoon, disregarding the long-term impact to inject the quick fix into their lives.
Jockin' Jeeves has long been a functioning transfer addict. Two league titles in the early years of the League of Gentlemen have had the long-term effect of blinding him to the devastation caused by his compulsions, with silver and bronze medals rendering him convinced luck is his downfall, rather than his own destructive tendencies. With his addiction showing signs of getting out of control in the early gameweeks, new Townhead Gunners chairman Robin Johnson called an emergency intervention.
Jez Messing, who was outside the office window listening in with a stethoscope, can reveal that Hot Rod returned to the former Juggernaut HQ, such was the level of concern for the Rap Rob Roy. When Jeeves showed up to the office, Johnson slammed the paperwork down on his desk, demanding to know why forty points of hits and a Wildcard have been used in the last eight gameweeks. Hot Rod, who was brewing a coffee at the time, dropped his cafetiere in shock when he heard the extent of the issue. After Johnson offered to pay for rehab, claiming to be a 'fair man,' Jeeves started stuttering over his words, unable to formulate a response.
It was only when Johnson demanded answers under threat of Jeeves's job that the real shock game. With his back against the wall, Jeeves claimed that he wasn't to blame for the latest twelve-point hit. Desperate to divert attention, he pinned all responsibility on his thirteen-month old son, young Mungo, alleging that, when watching the video of a deviant named Mr. Tumble, the whippersnapper had gained access to the transfer portal and authorised the signings of Broja, Foden, Son and Chilwell in the gameweek before an international break. Johnson scoffed at this explanation, while Hot Rod pleaded for Jeeves to 'get real,' but the Townhead Gunner absolved himself of all responsibility.
So far, his only punishment has been a one-place fall in the table, overtaken by Ginger Ben and Mighty Mouse. The Townhead Massive are hoping their leader can get his expensive habits under control in the international break, pointing out that Grinchy Vogt's fall from a comfortable lead at the top to seventh place in three gameweeks is the warning. Time will tell if Jeeves can learn some restraint and get his season back on track, or if luck will be against him for a fifth consecutive season.
On a personal level, I am grateful for the transfer addiction that blights Jeeves. I see him as a huge threat to my chances of ending my FPL Nightmare, and every time he starts a gameweek with a deficit, I breathe a sigh of relief. At one stage, it seemed inevitable that he would overtake me, but his hits - and those of Go Cartin and Grinchy Vogt - have given me some breathing room. Not only that, but the hits taken by the Chancellor have seen me close the gap to the top, even when I feel like half of my team needs changing. The thing with the no-hits strategy is that, while you never quite feel in control, you start each week basically a striker's goal ahead. At a time where my attackers are unreliable, my consistency has proven my greatest differential, and kept me in the hunt. There's no denying that I'm feeling the pressure, but hopefully his international break can refresh my obsessed mind, and the Lords can attack the intense period between now and the end of the Festive Frenzy and remain in the hunt. It's another fortuitous gameweek, but we'll grasp it with open hands, and keep taking things one gameweek at a time.
The Cup Chronicles
Stage Two of the Gentlemen's Classic got off to a subdued start, with comfortable victories for the winner of each match and little drama to be had. In the Matchday's headline-grabbing clash, Jockin' Jeeves ceded the initiative with his transfer penalty, enabling Big Steve to pick up two points with little fuss. It was even easier for the Dragon, who dismantled Sirloin Sean by 27 points in Group A's second match. With the two Matchday Seven winners meeting next time out, it affords the Butcher the opportunity of revenge for being beaten by the Dragon to last season's league title. In Group B, the Hitman and Ginger Ben made it look easy, obliterating their respective opponents and establishing themselves as the early favourites to advance to the Semi-Finals.
Gentlemen's Classic results, Matchday Seven:
Big Steve 59 - 48 Jockin' Jeeves
Sirloin Sean 34 - 61 Dan the Dragon
Ginger Ben 67 - 45 Red Hot Rob
Hitman Hodgson 60 - 35 The Ox
After some dramatic Eliminator action in recent gameweeks, we were left with a more reserved affair in Gameweek Eleven. Who Horner's failure to reach thirty points meant he was the first to leave the competition, and in a huge shock, he was joined by four-time league champion King Ding, whose 31 points left him two returns from safety. As the field continues to narrow, the margin for error shrinks further still in the toughest endurance test in all of FPL.
And so, it is Gameweek Eleven which will be remembered as Saint Helling's Gameweek, as the division's mascot finally takes his customary position at the foot of the table. The FPL Nightmare season continues for Flash Funk as, despite a successful captaincy of Havertz, the Funkmaster falls to 37th. Private Parvesh's 58 points saw him rise four places to 30th, with Maverick Mikey's Free Hit not enough to prevent a fall in the table. The recovery continues for the Masterchef and the Lawes father and daughter duo, who all climb the table, while Terminator Tris continues his under-the-radar gains, with another two-place rise to twelfth. The tough start continues for King Ding, who falls four places to fifteenth and must surely be considering a Wildcard, while Big Steve climbed four places to eleventh. It is Hitman Hodgson who finds himself top of the Irrelevants entering the international break, still 23 points off his brother in eighth, but moving in the right direction.
The Elite provided much volatility in Gameweek Eleven, with only the holders of eighth and second remaining unchanged. Though the Dragon remains in eighth place, he made up at least thirteen points on the three teams who finished this gameweek above him, and only two points off the man in seventh, Grinchy Vogt. The FPL Nightmare run of form continues for the Grinch, with a four-place fall after securing just 36 points. A season that once looked so spectacular is now in real danger of fading to Irrelevants, and he must return strongly after the break to keep his chances of glory alive. Go Cartin and Jockin' Jeeves also fell in the table, their transfer hits costing them seven and fifteen points respectively. That opened the door for Ginger Ben and Mighty Mouse to climb up to fourth and third, while also giving my second-place team a seventeen-point cushion over those behind me. Given the lack of form of several of my team, it's a cushion that is much-needed. Yet, somehow, I managed to close the gap to the Chancellor by seven points, despite a combined total of one return in five gameweeks from my three strikers.
The Man Who Would Be King
It's a third gameweek at the top for the Chancellor, who risked another hit and emerged stronger for it, in squad set-up if not points. Switching Saint-Maximin to Broja saw a loss of points, but upgrading the injured Marcal to James covered the difference and should lead to an increase in points going forward. Hellier now has a wealth of talent on his bench, with Broja joining Gray and Townsend in reserve, leaving him well-placed to cover squad rotations and tough fixtures. Though his lead was pegged back, he retains a 21-point advantage over my team in second, with Mighty Mouse 38 points away. It's a situation which means the Chancellor enters the international break in control, firmly established as the man to beat.
That concludes our round-up of Gameweek Eleven, which saw the Townhead Gunners shoot themselves in the foot, which saw Mighty Mouse show his nous, and which saw the Chancellor maintaining his strong points economy. When we return from the international break, may all your transfers be successes, may all your arrows be green, and may the FPL Gods be in your favour.
Gentlemen's Classic fixtures, Gameweek Twelve:
Big Steve vs Dan the Dragon
Sirloin Sean vs Jockin' Jeeves
Ginger Ben vs The Ox
Hitman Hodgson vs Red Hot Rob
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