The League of Gentlemen enters Judgement Day. Jeeves needs a miracle to knock King Ding off his throne. Can he pull off the impossible?
So here we are. Thirty-seven gameweeks, and it all comes down to this. One day. Ten matches. Dinga versus Jeeves for the right to call themselves the King of the League of Gentlemen. We’ll be following the action as it happens, and also that of the fight for the bronze medal between Flash and Who Horner. I’m sure there’ll be some references to the disaster the Last Stand’s final gameweek inevitably turns out to be too.
That’s it. All the decisions have been made. No more transfers for another year, no more agonising over captaincy choices, no more deliberations over hits. The deadline has passed, the teams are submitted. Now we play the waiting game to see what the League of Gentlemen managers have decided to do. Surely Jeeves will have taken the four-hit strategy suggested to him, anything less and he may as well just bend the knee for Dinga now. There’s no chance of Jeeves making the top-100k, so it’s all about overcoming Dinga’s 36-point lead, and he just can’t do that without taking chances. Dinga, meanwhile, has the twin consideration of the League of Gentlemen and being only seven points off the top-100k to factor into his thinking. The website has normally taken around 40 minutes to update this season, so we still have a little wait.
In the meantime, let’s check as to which of the key players have made the starting line-ups, now the real-life teams have been revealed.
Down at Brighton, Guardiola has opted to start Ederson, Laporte, Sterling, Bernardo Silva and Aguero. There’s no real surprises to his team, bar the selection of Mahrez, which won’t affect anyone in the League of Gentlemen. Sane continues his exile on the bench; from FPL key man to barely getting any minutes, it’s been a tough few months for the German lad. Hard to see anyone having him in their GW1 line-ups next season. In a potential gamechanger, especially knowing Jeeves’ hunches, De Bruyne makes the bench. Hard to see Jeeves taking a chance on him this week though. Duffy, Dunk and Ryan all start for Brighton, as do Knockaert, Gross and Murray, who aren’t owned by anyone, but could cause many players to lose clean sheets.
Over at Anfield, the big news is that Robertson and Salah both make it. We know Jeeves was considering removing Robertson, but was advised to take the chance. We’ll find out shortly whether he did. That decision could end up being the key. Van Dijk, Mane and Alexander-Arnold all start, but Firmino doesn’t make the squad, which means the in-form Origi comes into the team. He’s got some big goals in the last week; will anyone have taken a chance on him for the final day? For Wolves, the big trio of Doherty, Jota and Jimenez all start, but you would have to think most managers will have transferred or benched at least one of them out, given their opposition.
Unai Emery has gained a reputation as the shit manager’s Tinkerman this season, regularly rotating his Arsenal line-up and suffering poor results as a consequence. Today, he has benched both Lacazette and Kolasinac, though this could work in Dinga’s advantage if he’s kept Aubameyang, who plays central today. A generally weak Arsenal team though. Arsenal could struggle against the brute physicality of the Burnley Bash Brothers, Ashley Barnes and Chris Wood.
At Selhurst Park, there are starts for FPL legend Wan-Bissaka, Van Aanholt, Milivojevic, Zaha, Wilson, King and Ryan Fraser. You have to think someone has taken a chance on the Bournemouth lads, especially Wilson, who has three double-figure returns in his last four away matches. Will Jeeves have had the courage to transfer him in for Aguero? Mitrovic starts for Fulham, but there is no place for Ryan Babel, who Jeeves brought in last week. For Newcastle, both Perez and Rondon start, as does potential defensive wild-card Fabian Schar, who would love to sign the season off with another spectacular goal.
The big news from the Chelsea camp is that Eden Hazard is benched. This could have massive implications if Jeeves took a chance and brought him in for Sterling. They also switch Azpilicueta central and bring in Zappacosta. This unusual partnership could lead to Maddison and Tielemans joining Vardy in one of his infamous parties. If he gets a few goals, the Blue WKDs will be on Jeeves. As rumoured, Luke Shaw misses out from the Manchester United squad altogether, though Rashford and Pogba start, alongside the youngster Greenwood. Gunn, Bednarek, Valery, Ward-Prowse, Redmond, Long and Ings all make the Southampton team against Huddersfield. There’s no place for Trippier in the Spurs team, but Lloris, Eriksen, Alli, Moura and Llorente all start. For Everton, there are places for Sigurdsson and Digne, but Calvert-Lewin and Big Rich both miss out. Femenia and Deeney get the nod for Watford over Janmaat and Gray, with Lanzini, Felipe Anderson and Arnautovic leading the line for West Ham.
So there hasn’t been the wholesale rotation some were fearing, but Hazard being benched could end up having massive implications in the League of Gentlemen. Few managers owned him, which could mean some have taken a punt in the hope of him being a differential. If Jeeves has gone for him, he’ll be praying for an early injury to one of the Chelsea attack. Now we play the waiting game until the teams are revealed …
The last day, so it’s fitting the website took the longest it’s taken all season to update. The teams are live! Let’s have a look at the major decisions taken.
Who Horner has gone with the same line-up, making no transfers. At only 16 points behind Flash, he’s decided not to risk changing anything, and has captained Sergio Aguero. His rival Flash has used both his free transfers, bringing in the vastly-underperforming Pogba for Son and Rondon for Ings. Yet, in a bizarre move, he has left Rondon on the bench, and has named Jimenez, away at the best defence in the league, as his captain! Now, Jimenez has a great record against the top six, but you have to wonder if he has forgotten to press save on his team. However, he has Lacazette, and will surely be hoping he doesn’t get on so Rondon comes in.
At the top, Dinga has taken a gamble with a minus-four, bringing in Mane and Origi. The Origi shout, in particular, could reap immense rewards. He’s gone with the steady choice of Aguero as his triple-captain. Jeeves, oh how it’s all gone wrong already. He didn’t take a chance on Robertson, transferring him out for Alexander-Arnold, and now Robertson starts. He needed to take the gamble and keep Robertson in his team, and now the man he kept, Luke Shaw, isn’t in the squad. He brings in Laporte as well, and also swaps Jimenez out for Wilson, which extends Dinga’s lead to 40 points. Yet, he’s kept Aguero and Sterling, who offer him nothing in the title chase, due to Dinga owning both. He also sees Babel benched, which means either limited minutes or Jota coming in. Big advantage to Dinga already.
Ayozeeeeeee! After 10 minutes, Newcastle are 2-0 up, through Shelvey and Ayoze goals, assisted by Ritchie and Atsu. A transfer has come off for the Last Stand! Perhaps it’ll be like when Newcastle got relegated then stuffed Spurs 5-1 with ten men, and the Last Stand will go out with a bang. In other news, Spurs are 1-0 up, through Dier being assisted by Lamela, which has no implications on the League of Gentlemen.
In a massive moment for the League of Gentlemen, Mane has scored, assisted by Alexander-Arnold. Jeeves will be pleased with the assist, but Dinga will be happier with the goal. Three returns for the Last Stand inside 18 minutes! We need 58 points for our highest-ever points total, and have 12 points of returns already! Come on, lads!!! In irrelevant news, Noble has scored for West Ham, assisted by Antonio.
In a massive few minutes, Glenn Murray scored for Brighton! Which gave Liverpool the edge in the title race, but more importantly denied Man City defenders a clean sheet – big implications for Jeeves. It got worse for him a few minutes later, when Dinga’s Triple Captain Agueroooooo equalised. Jeeves’ season is whimpering to a conclusion. He can’t even celebrate getting four points because Dinga gets 12. It’s another 8 points towards the Last Stand’s 58-point target. Batshuayi has also given Palace the lead. As it stands, Who Horner has cut the gap to Flash by three points, but he’ll need some returns soon.
Batshuayi makes it 2-0 to Palace, with an assist for FPL legend Wan-Bissaka. What a bargain he’s been for £4m, and it’s another nail in the coffin for Jeeves, as Dinga owns the Big Wan. We can only wonder who next season’s Wan-Bissaka will be. An early shout for a defender option is Ritchie, if he’s reclassified and Rafa stays. Rafa’s Newcastle have a solid defence and Ritchie’s on penalties. Whether Rafa stays remains to be seen, but I’ve every faith he will.
Laporte! A massive goal, not only for the Premier League, but also for Jeeves, who finally gets a break on the last day. He won’t get a clean sheet, but a goal, and 52 minutes to get another, plus possible bonus points, could be crucial for the Hitmaster. Could this be the start of a remarkable comeback..?
Palace have gone 3-0 up through an own goal, assisted by Zaha. No implications on the League of Gentlemen though. What does have implications is Redmond has scored for Southampton! Another five points for Jeeves. The comeback could very well be on, but he’s still got so far to go, it’s surely impossible. Lanzini has scored for West Ham, another assist for Antonio. As it stands, Who Horner has picked up a booking from somewhere, while Flash has now extended his lead in third by four points.
Bournemouth score just before half-time, denying Dinga a clean sheet for Wan-Bissaka. Even so, the League of Gentlemen looks a bit clearer. As it stands …
Dinga’s Ringers – 2,227 pts.
Jeeves’ Jugganauts – 2,184 pts.
Flash’s BolyBogleBong – 2,141 pts.
Who Horner’s White Warriors – 2,121 pts.
It’s looking like a procession for King Ding, with Jeeves as close to third as he is to first. His only consolation is that most of the obvious choices he could’ve made haven’t fired, though he’ll be cursing not bringing in Batshuayi and Antonio. Still, they’ve been pretty average this season, so it would have been a crazy punt. When it comes to highest-ever points totals, Who Horner needs 27 points in the second half, Flash broke his previous record in GW 35 and is nailed-on for his highest ever overall rank, Jeeves has achieved his highest-ever points total and is now fighting for his highest-ever overall rank, which he should achieve, and Dinga has got his highest-ever points total, but is still facing a fight for the top-100k. He needs his Triple Captain, Aguero, to fire in a couple more in the second half. The Last Stand need 26 points to reach our highest-ever points total, which would be some achievement given the shitshow that was our second half of the season.
The second half has kicked off and, though it looks bleak for Jeeves, a second-half hat-trick and three bonus points for Salah would reduce Dinga’s lead to just five points. Unlikely, but in the week of glorious footballing comebacks, anything could happen. In irrelevant news, Deulofeu has scored for Watford.
Aubameyang has scored for Arsenal, which is surely the final nail in Jeeves’ coffin. He needs four goals for Salah now, and he’s not looking like getting any. Crucially for Dinga, Aubameyang’s goal takes Dinga inside the top-100k. Can he hang on for a glorious end to the season? In other news, Bournemouth have pulled it back to 3-2, though no involvement for Fraser or Wilson, and Cardiff are 2-0 up at Old Trafford. Pour a drink for the Pogba owners. Elsewhere, Huddersfield have scored against Southampton, denying four points to a whole host of Valery and Bednarek owners. The Last Stand need those four points Valery have lost to be replaced urgently, as does Dinga, who has slipped out of the top-100k.
Schar!!! The Last Stand are back in business! As it stands, we are on 58 points, but a couple of goals could deny us through the loss of clean sheets. In less important news, Mahrez has just sealed the title for Manchester City. Origi has been subbed-off for Liverpool, which is a problem for Dinga.
Van Aanholt has scored. Can only hope those points don’t haunt me from my bench. In luckier news, Fulham had a goal wrongly ruled-out for offside. Could really do with Schar being subbed off while his points are so high. Aubameyang has a second, which is just huge for Dinga. As it stands, he’s back in the top-100k.
Another nail in the coffin for Jeeves, as Lloris concedes twice, denying him a clean sheet. You’d say it’s the final nail, but every time you think it is, the carpenter shows up with a new packet and his hammer. Man City 4-1, a wonderful free-kick from Gundogan. Crucially, the assist goes to Sterling, which is massive for both the Ringers and the Last Stand. Bournemouth peg it back to 4-3 through King, and one of the Burnley Bash Brothers, Barnes, has scored against Arsenal, which denies Dinga the clean sheet. The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.
Eriksen scores for Spurs, which surely guarantees the bronze medal for Flash. Who Horner is going to need a miracle now. Townsend has scored for Palace, with Zaha completing a hat-trick of assists. In irrelevant news, West Ham are 4-1 up at Watford.
Alexander-Arnold assists Mane! Who steals the goal from Salah! Devastation for Jeeves, glory for Dinga, and magical news for the Last Stand. Dinga is doing to Jeeves what Manchester City are doing to Liverpool, and sealing the title without even a glimmer of hope.
As we approach stoppage-time, Dinga leads Jeeves on the day, never mind overall, and Flash leads Who Horner. It’s as you were, and all that matters now is overall rankings and points totals. Rondon scores for Newcastle! Sign him up, Ashley, sign him up!
It’s full-time, and Dinga is officially the King of the League of Gentlemen!
It was a heroic fightback from Jeeves, who was eighth at the turn of the year and put the fear of God up Dinga when he beat him by 50 points in GW 36. Ultimately, though, he left himself far too much to do, and the King saw off the Revolution. Flash came third, with a remarkable improvement from last season meaning he improved his best-ever overall ranking by around 600,000 places. His improvement was one of the key factors behind my reversing of my retirement, and I hope for a similar raising of my standards next season. I end the season with a provisional 79 points, meaning my best-ever points total was achieved. It’s been a disaster of a season, but it ends with a positive, and a lot of hope for next season. Smashing my way to my highest-ever points total with the highest points total in GW 38 of the League of Gentlemen, it truly was the FPL equivalent of relegated Newcastle smashing Spurs 5-1 with ten men.
But the real story is Dinga becoming the League of Gentlemen’s first three-time champion. It’s been a masterful season from the King, who went top in February and refused to relinquish it, tightening his grip as the weeks went by. He held his nerve, refusing to take hits when all around were doing so, and has reaped the rewards for his courage and planning. There can be no denying the man’s quality now. He faces an anxious wait to see if he finished in the top-100k, and it could be that Huddersfield’s goal against Southampton ultimately denies him. But even if so, it does not detract from an excellent season, and a remarkable achievement.
However, he cannot rest on his laurels. As the great William Shakespeare noted, uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. A person who has great responsibilities, such as a king, is constantly worried and therefore doesn’t sleep soundly. King Ding will know that he has never successfully defended the title. He’ll know that, every time he has won the title, he has scored a lower overall points total the following season, and suffered an overall rankings drop of at least 300,000 places. He’ll know that Jeeves will be back, and he surely won’t be as bad before Christmas as he was this year. He’ll know that Flash has had a startling improvement this season, and that he’ll only get better next year. He’ll know that Big Steve and The Ox will feel stronger for their run-ins.
And he’ll know, deep within his heart, that a new contender is coming. This season has been a true FPL Nightmare for the Last Stand, and Jesus himself wept at 48 points of hits in four weeks, but the manager has learned so many lessons. He will go away, and he will plot, he will scheme, and he will return stronger than ever. The masterplan is already under production, and Dinga will know that there’s nothing more dangerous than a madman with a masterplan, and he’s in for the fight of his life.
The Last Stand may have fallen, but in their place, by the hand of the FPL Gods themselves, Lawezarus will rise.
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