The FPL Nightmare Before Christmas

As the Gentlemen settle down to enjoy some festive turkey, it's fitting that the Butcher is running away with the league. Can anybody stop him now?

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the league
The Gentlemen were starting to feel the fatigue
Eighteen hard weeks of the grind and the stress
Getting transfers wrong, selections a mess

When it comes to defenders, John Lundstram is top
The four million man beating the superstars of Klopp
So few clean sheets, no value in stars
Kelly and Soyuncu, best investments by far

The big strikers are failing, Aguero and Kane
Outscored by seven, their goals on the wane
And the pre-season favourites, Salah and Sterling
Have seen cheaper teammates become their team's king

The challenge is always to pre-empt the form
To sign differentials before they're the norm
To get rid of players before their cold streaks
Managing to predict the drops and the peaks

In the Gentlemen's League, management styles do vary
Some consistent and true, others wild and contrary
We can see what's successful, now eighteen weeks in
And which Nightmare seasons belong in the bin

Suicide Squad are the worst, cut adrift from the rest
Too many transfers make his gameweeks a mess
Start each week on minus, Mikey P in a tizz
It'll be no surprise when the wooden spoon becomes his

Then next in the league are our three zombie packs
Set their teams in week one and then never come back
Thompson, Metal Marc and big Andrew Helling
The lower reaches, their permanent dwelling

Wee Ginger Ben is the last Also-Ran
His debut season going right down the pan
Ten-transfer week, wildcard he forgot
No activation, now his season is shot

Oxsmorons occupy the next rung on the ladder
Every week his team makes him madder and madder
Stuck in the depths of Lower Mid-Table
There's no happy end to The Ox's fable

Not much further ahead are Jie and Who Horner
There seems no way for them to turn the corner
Leading Micky Quinnaj and the Warriors White
Means Christmas Eve is just another sleepless long night

Splitting those two are Slick Rick's Tiptoppers
So high at the start, now perennial droppers
He's pinned all his hopes on Son, Alli and Kane
So far they've brought him nothing but pain

Hitman Hodgson, once favoured, is losing it all
Devastated by a one-week nine-place fall
Realising that actually It Does Mata
Is sending the banker as mad as a hatter

Lord Geord had the worst start he can remember
His season didn't begin 'til November
He's arrested his fall, but he'll spend Christmas Eve
Counting how far the Lords are behind Butcher Steve

Flash started off bad, to Bali he fled
Came back home and turned the form on its head
But now he's plateaued, stuck in the mud
The teams behind him, like sharks smelling blood

Madelaine Milan are managed by the Iceman, Dale
Who promised his team just could not fail
Yet they find themselves cut adrift from the chase
The Iceman left with egg on his face

The Dazzlers title hopes are just about gone
Despite topping the league in weeks two and one
Those glory days, so hard to get back
Deadly Daz stranded in the Chasing Pack

Superstar DJ, All-Star Vogt
Giving the game everything that he's got
Yet so far away from the top of the shop
The Xhakalaka Boom, fizzled out to a pop

Really started off well, and were doing just fine
Then manager Birkett became known as Big Time
Believed the hype, thought he could challenge the King
Now he's crashing to earth like a plane with no wing

So little is known of the Private Parvesh
Could be from Spain, France or Marrakech
His very existence remains shrouded in doubt
And his season, so close to amounting to nowt

In the court of King Ding, the peasants revolt
Autumn ambivalence, the obvious fault
Determined to be the first champ to defend
But his reign's coming to an inglorious end

This year's surprise package, Hugh G. Rection
Confounding the odds with their maverick selection
The Masterchef continues to cook up a storm
But even he needs to improve on his form

Top hundred thousand was the Juggernaut's mission
Finish the season in their greatest position
Convinced it would ensure they brought home the gold
Jeeves' derailment could not be foretold

For running away with the league at a canter
He even has double-Newcastle for the banter
So far ahead on this cold Christmas Eve
Butchering them all, their Nightmare, Big Steve

So far ahead, his season historic
Coming from nowhere, his rise meteoric
The challenge for Steve, come the final day
Is if he can finish in the top ten kay

At Christmas, though, there is hope for us all
So high he has risen, as fast he can fall
Still more than half of the season to go
So much time for the Nightmare to grow

If he gives them a sniff, the hounds at his heels
Will start to smell blood with each point that they steal
The strength of Jeeves come the turn of the year
Is the biggest challenge the Butcher has to fear

Dinga will continue to fight true and hard
His ace in the pack, his retained Wildcard
Everyone else, from the Masterchef down
Will do what they can to secure the crown

He's started off well and he's having a ball
But Steve's FPL Nightmare could eclipse them all
With every Gentleman entering the Boxing Day fray
Believing they're the one who will find a way

Twenty gameweeks to go, so much still unpenned
No-one can predict how the season will end
The glory will go to the one who is braver
This is becoming a season to savour

So enjoy Christmas day, let off some steam
Remember every nightmare gives way to a dream
Then strap yourself in and enjoy the ride
May the FPL Gods be forever on your side